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Tracks in the Sand Vol. 4 March, 1993 The following is one of several articles that appeared in Tracks. A complete listing of issues, articles, and mission statement are at the end of this article. For those that are on America On Line Tracks can be sent as a zipped file upon request. If you would like to receive Tracks when new issues come out submit you name and address to one of the following sources: E-Mail AOL Gary Kalus GSK502 Peter Jacobs PeterJac CompuServe Gary Kalus 71461,166 Internet Mark Perew Mark.Perew@ofa.fidonet.org or write to: Tracks in the Sand PO Box 1828 Tustin, CA 92680 (714)-751-1012 MEN AND SEXUAL ABUSE CAN MEN BE VICTIMS by Rick Koepcke We've become very aware in the last few years of the prevalence of sexual abuse, and of how many women have been victimized in this way. Some statistics say that 25% of all women have suffered some form of sexual abuse. ut what about men? Usually, if we think about men in connection to reality is that men have also been victims of sexual abuse, possibly to the same extent as women. I started dealing with this issue on a professional level about three years ago. As a therapist who sees primarily men, I was amazed at how many men I was seeing in therapy who reported being molested at some point in childhood or adolescence. Very often they did not realize this at the outset of therapy, but would become aware of it as we got underneath their feelings of depression. shame, fear of sexual encounters, or sexual addictions. (According to Patrick Carnes, 75% of sexual addicts were molested as children.) At one time, every one of the men I had in therapy were sexual abuse victims. After seeing more and more of these cases over the year, I began dealing with this issue on a more personal level: I realized that I, too, had been a victim of sexual abuse, and had never dealt with it. There's a saying among therapists "you can never take your clients farther than you yourself have been", and the truth of that became very clear to me as I started dealing with my own fear, resistance, and feelings of shame that surrounded being molested. The last two years have been a painful, yet sometimes joyful journey towards healing and recovery; and while I'm not "there" yet, I'd like to share some of what I've learned about this process, from my own journey. Dynamics of Sexual Abuse: There are certain dynamics to sexual abuse that are the same for male and female victims. Sexual abuse always involves: Power (either physical or psychological) Manipulation Violation of personal boundaries An inability to say "NO", to stop the abuse Notice I didn't mention physical violence. For most of the victims I have interviewed, physical violence was not involved. However, the imbalance of power in the situation (such as between parent and child or between teacher and student) leaves the victims feeling helpless and out of control. Not being in control leads to the feeling I always hear from my clients (and that I experienced myself): "I didn't feel like I could say no, I couldn't stop it." The variety of feelings experienced during and following a sexual molestation are powerful and overwhelming: fear, anger, shame, guilt, and confusion. I've found that, for men, confusion seems to be the overriding emotion covering everything else they feel. The reasons for the confusion leads us into some of the special problems that men have to deal with as victims of sexual abuse. Unique Problems for Male Victims: As horrible as sexual abuse is for women, I believe that men have some special hurdles to overcome in dealing with our molestation experiences, and these mainly centered around some cultural myths about men and their sexuality, such as: Men can't e victims; Men always want sex (It's not abuse, it's getting lucky); Homophobia (Does this mean I'm gay?) I think these myths contribute to the deep shame that men feel about even admitting that they were victims of sexual molestation. If "men can't be victims", then how could it happen? Why didn't your fight back? Are you sure you didn't want it? Why couldn't you say no? If men "always" want sex, then what's so ad about starting when you were 12? or even 10? (This is especially true if the perpetrator was a female). These myths feed into the fear of homosexual feelings: Why did he pick me? Do I look gay? Why did it feel good (part of it anyway)? If I got aroused does it mean I wanted it to happen? You can see why confusion is often the dominant emotion men feel in connection to their abuse. Many boys are molested at around 12 or 13, just as they are entering puberty (as in my case). This is always a time of confusion regarding sexual feelings, even without the trauma of sexual molestation. Dealing with the Abuse For most victims, dealing with the aftermath of the abuse-the shame, loneliness, fear of someone "finding out" -can be as devastating as the molestation itself. Most men do not tell anyone about what happened, and the shame and confusion the victim feels is compounded by the isolation of having to deal with all of these overwhelming feelings on your own. In my case, I dealt with the trauma by "transforming" it into a good thing: I dissociated from all the negative feelings- the fear, anger, and revulsion of what was happening -and remembered only the "good" parts of it: getting special attention and admiration from someone I admired a lot; the strong physical sensations that felt good; the idea (suggested y my perpetrator) that this was a kind of "initiation" into manhood. This allowed me to not see myself as a victim; however, the down side was questioning my sexuality: I enjoyed it; did that mean I was gay? Could he tell something about me? If he knew, could other people tell? Since I believed that what had happened was too shameful to talk about, I kept it inside me for over fifteen years, trying to make sense of the feeling and events on my own (and not doing a very good job of it). The Healing My clients who are recovering from abuse often ask, "Isn't there another way to get healed without feeling all this pain?" What I answer is what I've found to be true for myself: the healing begins with facing the pain and going right through it "And this time", I remind them, "you're not going to have to feel the pain alone". When I first started becoming aware of what might be there, I experienced panic attacks, fear of sexual contact (even with my wife), and an obsession with avoiding sexual thoughts and stimulation. (Some men react in the opposite way and begin to compulsively seek out sexual activity.) I started remembering the feelings of fear, anxiety and anger before I could connect them to the specifics of the molestation. Realizing something was going on, I went into therapy and experienced some intensive inner healing sessions with a therapist trained in dealing with abuse victims. But therapy alone was not the "magic cure". I received loving support and encouragement from my wife and one or two close friends that I confided in. A significant breakthrough in my healing cam several months later when my best friend allowed me to share with him all the small and ugly details of what happened to me, leaving nothing out. This broke the power of the shame message that said, "this is too bad to talk about; no one want to hear this". Talking about it with friends allowed me to see the molestation event in clearer perspective; most of all, to realize that what happened was not about me, ut about the sick needs of the person who abused me. I still don't feel completely "healed" of the molestation. In fact, I'm still figuring out all the ways it's affected me. I would still like, sometimes, to pretend it never happened, but I can't. I have found that it gets easier to talk about, as more of the shame gets torn away and I'm able to recognize myself as a victim. The affirmation and support I've received from those close to me have diminished most part, overcome a great fear of physical contact with other men. If I could sum up the main messages I've learned through my process, that I'd like to pass on to other men who have been through this, it would be this: The pain is bad, but it won't kill you. You are a survivor! You can recover from the hurt. You don't have to go through it alone! There are people out there who care and who can help. Go look for them! Rick Koepcke is an MFCC his practice is in Thousand Oaks, CA Comment and dialogue is encouraged by contacting Tracks in the Sand or Rick directly at: (805)-373-8885 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- BACK ISSUES AND ARTICLES LISTING Vol. 1 Manhood in Crisis Counterfeit Love Finding Life in Betrayal (Part 1) God, You Just Don't Understand The Invisible Man The Absolutes of Homosexuality I need a "Quick Fix" Testimony of a Sex Addict Poem: Sitting on the Edge Vol. 2 Sexual Problems in the Clergy Living with Betrayal (Part 2) Freedom From Sexual Addiction Poem: Feeding My Master Book Review: "Secrets of Your Family Tree" Poem: Wedding Day Vol. 3 Do Real Men go to Church Don't Curse the Road to Paradise My Father's Blessing What Grows on the Family Tree? Poem: By Brother's Room Vol. 4 Anger, Grief and Getting Unstuck in Recovery Men & Sexual Abuse - Can Men Be Vicuims? Poem: Streams of My Youth Men on the Ropes What Will They Say About You Little White Boy ------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISSION STATEMENT OF TRACKS IN THE SAND Tracks in the Sand is published by a small group of Christian men. We believe in the power of Jesus Christ to heal the whole person. We recognize that we as men often isolate ourselves in the belief that emotions are not appropriate for us to show, or even to have. Whether this is the result of abuse in our family of origin, or simply the pressure that society places on us as men, we have found that this isolation can result in shame, broken families, obsessive/compulsive behavior, depression, anxiety, addictions, lack of intimacy, people- pleasing, rage, eating disorders, workaholism, stress, and many other unhealthy behaviors. When we began to talk amongst ourselves, we realized that we were not alone. As we continued to share our stories with each other, the prison walls which held us captive began to crumble. This process was not without pain, but we found that as a result of our honesty we were able to have more satisfying, healthy relationships with God and others. It is our desire to provide a vehicle for men to share the pain that has been locked up inside of them for years. By doing so we can break the power of shame and condemnation. We encourage the formation of men's small groups where each participant can bring his innermost secrets into the light and allow other men of faith to minister truth, healing and acceptance in a safe environment of confidentiality. We aspire to give and receive "Fathering" and "Brothering" which many of us have never previously received. The name, TRACKS IN THE SAND, comes from the idea of following someone who has been where we are going, felt what we are feeling and experienced what we are living, It is His tracks that we are following. We hope you join us as a fellow tracker. All Articles are copyrighted and remain the property of the author. Permission to reprint is granted as long as credit is given to both the author and Tracks in the Sand. This publication is supported completely by donations from its readers who thus help offset the cost of printing and mailing. If your would like additional copies of this newsletter, or if you would like to be put on our mailing list, please contact us at our address below. Any financial contributions or manuscripts should be sent to us at: Tracks in the Sand PO Box 1828 Tustin, CA 92680 (714) 751-1012